Not sure where I am going but I am on my way anyway...

So it is hard to believe how quickly summer flew by- and about 50 of those 400 something days I have left being needed by my ever so active and lively 17 year old baby. It's been a while since I have blogged and I am still trying to figure out what I am exactly blogging about. But in these past few weeks (aka months) we had an awesome family +1 vacation in Aruba (one of my favorite beach locations in the world- if you haven't tried it you MUST put it on your BUCKET LIST), enjoyed time with extended family at birthdays and weddings, gotten 1 set of senior pictures made, did some car shopping (yes I am biting my nails) so Ellie can get herself around and I can stay mobile too, and began preparations to start the 14-15 academic year!

Wednesday will be Ellie's last first day of school. I am still in awe as to where on earth all this time has gone and how it went by so quickly. My work will be in full swing starting tomorrow- and I am positive that the next time I take some time to breathe I will be waking up on Christmas morning- that is how fast life is passing me by and that is why I am so desperate to find out who I am...and what is next.

I have given up on finding a show- the show I like is Modern Family. It is  in syndication so I can find it most times. I think new episodes are on a 9PM on some weeknight- but it really doesn't matter when that is. The one thing I found out was that I don't care much for watching shows- if it is on and entertaining I will watch it. My TV is on most times only to keep me company. Call me crazy but I just like the noise in the background and occasionally I find myself in full on conversations with Monty on TLC, Pete the Treehouse Master, Guy while he is visiting diners and dives, Natalie or Jenna on the Today Show...basically anyone who literally won't talk back. I am obsessed with all the "baby having" on the Today Show.  So stoked for @jennawolfe and @stephaniegosk- so happy for @savannahguthrie... (though I am 42 too- and I cannot imagine beginning motherhood today- I am tired and my hip hurts, good luck Savannah.)  I began reading The Happiness Project, but got distracted trying to create my own Happiness Project. Not that I am not happy but I am looking for something that might fill the void in life when I unbecome a mom.

Today Ellie and I shared some time getting a mani pedi- loved it. This is something I think I could get used to every few weeks- def a tradition I will carry on when I unbecome an everyday-I-depend-on-you-for-everything mom. I am really loving my subscription to BHG and browsing Two Peas in Their Pod (http://www.twopeasandtheirpod.com/) for yummy recipes to make when I become vegetarian (this will happen the day Ellie goes off to college- she is way too much of a carnivore for me). BHG may cause me to remodel my whole house- I am going to have to start entering every sweepstakes to get the money to do it!

In this summer I am realizing that even though I might unbecome mom a year from now- I am happy in my life and looking forward to the time to shop more, get regular manis and pedis and explore new cooking and baking challenges. I want to entertain more- maybe even on weeknights (I know people- settle down) and maybe my blog will focus on that. I am really looking forward to party planning for next summer- celebrating Ellie's graduation and getting her ready to send off to college. I am already pinning a lot of creative and awesome celebration ideas to my pinterest and thinking about what tasty treats I can make. I am also thinking about the opportunity to get off my duff and exercise more. My new favorite indulgence is Stitch Fix and I want to look GOOD in my "personal stylists" choices. (Def check out stitch fix is it soooo much fun.) Lastly I want to focus on saving for my beach house....because that is going to happen. Maybe not soon- but soon enough! So I have lots of ideas I just need to get focussed!

BEWARE UNBECOMING MOM FANS- we are in this together. I will narrow it down. Hopefully next time i won't be all over the place....but sometimes life has you all over the place and that happens to be where I am at...

NVR2L8

I think it was a sign. As I have been reflecting on my life, my habits, my future, my family and my friends I have wondered...is it too late? Is it too late to put friends and family first? Is it too late to spend tons of awesome and fun quality time with my daughter? Is it too late to question my career choices? Is it too late to make a different plan?

I was on the Mass Pike. In my line of work I get to meet with and work with some amazing people- I get to watch them grow and develop as students and people. I get to meet their parents and their siblings, their grandparents and their families- at games I meet all their "biggest fans"! But today, I wanted to take some time to help one of my former students say goodbye to her mom. The mom who carted her to hockey practices and games throughout her young life. Who sacrificed so she could go to prep school- who supported her in good times and bad during her UConn career and throughout her life. As I was driving I was thinking it was so unfair- so unfair that this mom, whose life was devoted to raising her girls and supporting them- was gone too soon. I thought about how lucky I am. Though maybe I will unbecome the everyday "I need you by my side mom"- I still get to be Ellie's mom. This mom- I am sure she will always be there in spirit guiding her girls- won't have the same chances and opportunities I do. It makes me feel sad.  But today in my sadness I learned a valuable lesson. As I was driving towards Boston on the Mass Pike a New Hampshire car passed me- the license plate read:

N V R 2 L 8

I realized it is never too late. It is never too late to change the priorities in my life. It is never too late to be more frugal so I can start saving for my goals and dreams. It is never too late to do things I never thought I could or would. My husband and I have goals, and it is ok that they are changing as we grow. We always played it safe- and financially we will continue to play it safe and be responsible- but maybe, just maybe, it is time to get out of the comfort zone. We want a beach house. no...we don't. We want to LIVE AT THE BEACH. What beach? not sure yet. But we have time to figure that out. It is never too late to tell those you love that you love them. and SHOW THEM. I am not going to miss out on Ellie's senior year- I am going to support her and show her how much I love and care for her. It is never too late because we don't know how long we have- and one day it will be too late- and you might never see it coming. 

Over the past few weeks I think I realized I do not need a show. I did watch Orange is the New Black but really didn't get into it- I am somewhat curious about how each of the women landed behind bars- but not curious enough. I talk too much to want to watch a show. I do however want to read- first up-

THE HAPPINESS PROJECT. I think it is about someone else who is realizing it is NVR2L8.

I spent the afternoon having lunch at the Farmer's Market with my framily Alana and Papa (butlerish.blogspot.com/) and the Darcy clan (http://stayathomefieldadvantage.wordpress.com/). I danced- aka had a work out- to the brass band with the bestest little 3 year old. And I am going to do it again at every chance I get. Tomorrow I get to cheer on the U18 Oakwood girls in their quest for an NPL championship- I may be 1000 miles away but I will be cheering none the less. This past week I was so happy to have had dinner with the best mom and the best husband in the world. It is not too late to make things like these my new priority.

I learned a lesson today- NVR2L8.

At the wake today I apologized to the family- I didn't know she was sick. (She had been sick about 2 1/2 years ago but "I had no idea it had gotten so bad I said" as I tearfully hugged the family) Apparently they had no idea either- her death came swiftly and she had been well up until about 2 weeks ago. Even though I wasn't super close to this mom- I want to thank her for teaching me such a valuable lesson today. I am sure that license plate was a sign from her.  RIP Colleen Horan- your family was your life and it was always clear. You did an awesome job raising two wonderful young women- your legacy and love will live on through them, and through me.

Celebrating

So I have to admit I am new at this. All the friends whose blogs I so admire are witty and insightful and can write in rhymes. They know how to use typeface and fonts to highlight important stuff and keep your attention. I have always thought I was funny when I talk (not sure if anyone else does) but normally when I write I am much more formal. I gotta break out of that comfort zone.

I will get there- I promise- but for now just keep reading.

So after “day one” I learned some things:

1.  I am not the only one who has ever felt or feels the way I do
2.  I definitely do not want this to be a depressing blog- maybe sometimes it will be- But I’m striving to make it fun and funny. I don’t ever want it to be something people turn to like a Nicholas Spark’s movie or a Lifetime original. “Let’s go read Becky’s blog- I need a good cry”
3. My husband would welcome me making him awesome breakfasts and packing him lunch everyday- he volunteered to take on this role from Ellie once she heads off to college. Shocking
4.  People read it- cool!

Me and my daddy

The past two days I made memories- memories celebrating first birthdays (and 82^nd birthdays), celebrating LobsterFests and Fathers and celebrating my daughters league championship and new babies at the same time. I listened to the young moms (and dads- thanks for reading Ryan!) who read my blog tell me that as they read they can’t imagine the life, when no one is pulling them in this direction in and that. When they get to sleep in, not worrying about someone else- if they ate or if they are clean- not worrying if the house is picked up or if they are doing the right thing or making the best choices. The problem is you will always worry about these things no matter how old your kids get.

PINTEREST WIN!

So, randomly, I decided to find out how many more days I had until Ellie leaves for college. I was guesstimating about 400 days last week. I decided to count (or google it- whichever you believe). There are approximately 411 days til she leaves. Approximately. Right there- I have 11 more days than I I thought- so I’m excited. But then again I’m anxious- because I actually see the number- it became more real. My favorite blogger (of http://butlerish.blogspot.com/) still has at least 6,626 days (roughly).  

To see the number dwindle is scary and exciting- I am so excited to see the young woman she is becoming, and so scared to recreate myself all at the same time. But maybe I don’t have to recreate- I just have to see myself differently and start doing things for myself that I would never have before. Like make recipes off Pinterest http://www.pinterest.com/pin/367184175840661408/ (BIG WIN) and spend more time celebrating all these events and days- things I MADE myself too busy for in the past. I saw the past 6000+ days as full of chores- cleaning was a chore, cooking and baking a chore, lunches and family plans a chore.  I don't know why- but now I realize- better late than never- to relish opportunities to spend time with family, friends and framily. These are not chores- they are memories. Pinterest wins and Pinterest  fails, birthdays, graduations, lobsters whatever! They are still all memories and I am so looking forward to celebrating each and every one of the next 411 days.

A me thing that I have been saying for a while now (and those that know me know I keep saying this) I want to find a “show” to watch and books to read- I have had some suggestions- Games of Thrones, Orange is the New Black, Scandal, The Good Wife…I need to not feel guilty sitting down to follow someone else’s drama every once in a while…maybe that will be another step towards a new hobby. Suggestions?

day one

The countdown has begun- Ellie sees it as 6 more days of school. Six more days til she is a senior in high school. Six more days until we can schedule senior portraits. Six more days until she can sleep past 6AM. I see it as only six more 5 minute back scratches every morning to calmly wake up a 17 year old. I see it as only 6 more lunches to prepare the night before bed, only 6 more mornings we can sit down to breakfast together listening to the familiar TODAY show music- me with my coffee, her with her proteins and fruit so carefully planned, only six more days to drop her off at school at 7:41AM, 1 minute late. Most moms look forward to summers (and summer's end come August) but not me- to me this is my last summer. To think about just one more year of sharing breakfast, one my year of back scratches, one more year of sharing the TODAY show...it makes me feel sad. for all these years I have devoted myself to being a mom, and slowly, over the next 400 days or so, I sense all that slipping away. I am not sure how other moms feel, but it is how I feel. Other moms sometime have more children to raise- so sending off the first might feel like an accomplishment, who knows, maybe even a stress reliever (or not). I cannot say how anyone else might feel- I only know how I feel. I already feel lonely, not knowing

my baby getting all growned up!

what my next step or title will be. I have a job- one I love, with co-workers I love even more- but I don't want to burying myself in it. I have a husband- heck it has only been a year we are still newlyweds- but we were both devoted to raising this beautiful little (big) girl and we will both be sending her off into the world together. I want to know what is next. Moms are busy- most of my friends are moms. Some are newlyweds themselves and just starting their young families. Seventeen years from now maybe they will feel like I do now- or maybe they won't...It has been such an honor and privilege to raise a daughter- I know many people would love to have the experiences I have- but I feel like I will be lost without that responsibility anymore. Maybe someone else out there feels like me- if so let me know so I don't feel so nutty! I am a planner and I need a plan what's next. I need ot lose weight and exercise more- hopefully that is next. I need a home office- sorry Ellie that would be your room (just kidding)! I love decorating and redecorating. I love cooking (and eating) and traveling and talking and entertaining and hanging out with the friends I don't have much of any more because I have been too wrapped up in being a worker and being a mom. But I will be unbecoming one of these- in about 400 days- so this is day one into figuring out what's next......